Just do it.

Social Isolation and Stuff

Hello there.

Here are some updates on my life!

Struggling to take psychedelics

Last time, I talked about psychedelics.

Yes they do help. Really.

These days, I want to take more, and I feel ready for a “bigger” trip.

The problem is that the conditions are never right; I want the vibe to be “perfect” and that might be a mistake?

The vibe will never be perfect, but I can make it so.

Put nice music, nice light…

One thing is that I don’t “reserve” time in the day, or I feel like I can’t do it because my gf is doing other stuff, or she’s going to come home from dance class and she’ll want to talk. (while I don’t want to be interrupted while on a trip)

I both want her to be here and not here. I want her to be here for me but I don’t want to feel like I have to be there for her if that makes sense? I want her to be there for me but not to care too much.

So that makes it so that the best time to take it would be during a nap or at nighttime.

Problem with nighttime is that usually I’m tired, and I’d rather not taking strong psychedelic drugs while I’m very sleepy (and thus more likely to enter a negative thought loop).

Also I think I just have a fear of high dosages due to previous bad experiences with weed mostly, but also all the experiences I had at low doses were either slightly bad, neutral, or good.

(and I have experience with 5-MEO-DMT now so the experience should be “good”).

The solution for me right now:

  1. Go to bed earlier so I don’t feel that sleepy
  2. Continue taking small doses until I feel SUPER confident (or one night maybe I’ll just be like “fuck it” and take a high dose)

Struggling with social isolation

I came back from my home country to an Asian country recently.

I’m kinda stuck there for the time being due to gf passport and trying to prepare wedding papers (which are a huge source of stress).

Problem is that I’m in a loop where I feel like I don’t really want to be here, but I need social contact and making new friends, but also don’t want to make my gf feel jealous.

I am at a point where I feel really isolated socially, and when I came back to France and was able to be there with my family it was a breath of fresh air.

I wish I could find a similar experience here but idk. I just don’t vibe with people here. I just feel like I have to make so much effort to vibe with people. It might be true in my home country but I already have family and hard-earned friends.

Here I have to start over, and I don’t even know if I want to come back to this country one day.

As my mentor does, sometimes the best is to reframe stuff.

So here’s the reframing: Maybe I could reframe it as: I don’t care if I’m going to make friends, and it doesn’t matter how much time I stay in a given country. The important part is to maintain mental health and that requires, among others, to meet new people.

How to take care of my mental health?

So this makes me think: how could I take care of my mental health better?

More blogposts

One thing that comes to mind immediately is to write more blogposts.

I often make “breakthroughs” when writing those. It could tie in my use of psychedelics as well since those give interesting and original “revelations” that I could talk about.

One problem with psychedelics is that you get these revelations but they don’t really stay with time; what’s the point of taking drugs if you don’t even remember what they taught you?

I could post my trip reports here, with some notes. That could be really fun! Actually I would really enjoy that!

In general I feel like I could do more writing and feel better as a result.

Maintaining multiple small websites, having a lot of stuff written over time, revisiting stuff I written in the past… that could be good for me.

I would like to find where my old posts are?

Probably on my laptop somewhere. I mean on the macOS partition since I’m now running Linux.

I dread looking for it there, but I can do it!

It would be such a waste to let all my older posts disappear like I did in the past – I should treasure every word that I write.

Here is what I want to publish:

Maybe I should try creating all that under a different alias? Other than this blog post of course.

Posting stuff online just makes me really happy, and it would be a shame to waste that?

One of the problem with posting online is that I both want to be anonymous and to have it tied to my name.

Maybe the best is to start slow – publishing pictures can be done with my “real name” (or an alias that I can give to friends).

For the rest, I can be anonymous – but one day, I’ll feel ready and can share them with friends.

The key is to have different domains for different stuff.

One project I’m excited about is the Instagram clone for family&friends – I could make a simple webapp that you add to your screen, and then friends can add it to their phones and receive notifications.

That would be a really good alternative to Instagram, no?

I could start slow, just make a “journal with pictures” and then add notification functionality.

… but I should keep it simple. I don’t need comments or anything. I could just make it super simple, statically hosted.

Also I should focus on what’s more important to me. I could recreate clouedoc.dev for example and talk on it about different tech things.

Just small posts once every few days when I’m not on holidays.

It’s a practice, and just reminds me to talk about what I like and keep developing my personality in this direction.

To take away

Beeminder goals

To publish more stuff

So, I need to a Beeminder goal to publish more stuff.

The action should be to “open a new website”.

It should be done once every month.

This means that at the end of that period, I will have 12 more websites. Which sounds a bit much ?

So maybe, “open a new website”, once a month, with a limit up to 4. And I’ll open:

  1. Instagram clone
  2. Tech tips website
  3. Trip reports website
  4. (re-host my old website)
  5. Personal homepage with stuff that I enjoy

(I should probably start by re-hosting my old website, actually let’s do it now!)

(okay that’s a WIP)

Meeting new people

Opened a thread on the Beeminder Forum because I’m not sure how to go about it right now.

Taking drugs

Uh. Better not.

TODO right now